Teachers encounter a range of student behaviors. These behaviors can support teaching and learning or they can make it more challenging. It is common for anyone, teacher or not, to interpret behaviors like: being hostile, angry, acting out, depressed mood, or being withdrawn as personal A teacher with this mindset might blame themself for the behavior, thinking things like: “I’m a bad teacher. This student hates my class.” Or a teacher might blame the student seeing them as a “bad kid” or as a “student who just doesn’t care about learning.”
Trauma-informed teaching will help teachers understand that these types of behaviors are warning signs that a student might have experienced trauma or be experiencing trauma. As teachers learn more about what t might cause these behaviors, their mindsets begin to shift in a way that will help them engage with their students differently.
Across the globe, young people face extremely challenging situations. Some students grow up facing violence, abuse, or neglect at home; others struggle in the wake of natural disasters, war, famine, or poverty. When students experience something so upsetting or terrifying, it has a long term impact on them mentally and emotionally. And, when a student is feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope with those types of situations, we’d say they’re “in distress.” Extremely intense distress is called trauma. Both distress and trauma can affect how a student thinks and acts.
We probably have at least one of these students in our class right now. Their experiences drive the way they act, and making some small adjustments in our classroom can make a big difference for them. Today you’ll learn about how distress and trauma can affect behavior, signs to look out for, and what you can do to make your classroom more trauma-informed. Then you’ll be able to hear these strategies played out in sample conversations..
Shifting to a trauma-informed approach isn’t easy. It requires training to see students differently. Of course not all disruptive behavior in the classroom is due to distress or trauma, but instead of seeing this as something you need to manage and discourage, you’ll learn to see it as a sign a student might need some support.
Consider the story of Casey, a student who sometimes shouts out enough in class to pull everyone off topic. His behavior in class is the tip of his iceberg, without getting to know him better that’s all we would know. But Casey’s story, like so many of our students, is far more complex -- there is a lot under the surface. He acts out in class because things at home are really rough. He never knows if his father is going to be drunk or sober or when he there will be chaos or peace. His anxious and upset feelings come with him to school and contribute to the behavior he exhibits in class.
Casey would really benefit from a trauma-informed approach. Students who do not have the homelife difficulties that Casey has can benefit from this approach as well.
When we do these three things, we teach from a place of compassion rather than frustration, and our students feel safer and more engaged.
When a student exhibits one or more of the following warning signs, there is a chance that their behavior is related to some sort of distress or trauma.
General Warning Signs include things like:
Warning Signs and Student’s Age:
Warning Signs and Student’s Sex:
When you recognize any of these signs, reach out to the students exhibiting them to let them know you care and help them find more constructive ways to cope and succeed in your class.
If you notice that a student regularly seems:
in addition to approaching them with compassion, you should strongly consider referring them to a mental health professional in your school or community.
One (or more) of your current students is probably experiencing some sort of distress due to trauma. These incidents are commonly referred to as adverse childhood experiences or ACEs.
Students of all races and socio-economic statuses are impacted by trauma. However, if you are working in communities with higher rates of poverty, homelessness/housing insecurity or incarceration it’s likely that there are multiple students in your classroom who have experienced or are experiencing trauma.
A person’s brain is in learning mode when they feel safe. They can predict what will happen in their environment, and they have all their basic needs met. All of this really helps them control their emotions and focus on learning.
But when a person, especially a child, has any experience with an unsafe environment or intense danger, their brains are rewired to be on guard for more harm or neglect. The world isn’t a safe or nurturing place anymore; it can be a terrifying place.
When a child feels threatened or overwhelmed, or when something reminds them of a traumatic event, their brains go into reactive mode. Their heart might pound or their palms might get sweaty; they might feel a rush of adrenaline. Their body is getting ready to respond to something bad in one of three ways: fight, flee, or freeze.
Our brains have these instincts for a reason; they’re a good way to respond to real danger. But they aren’t so practical in our classrooms. When a student is fighting, fleeing, or freezing, they might not even realize what’s happening or why they’re acting in this way.
Listen to the following list of student behaviors, and think about each one that you might take personally.
It’s normal to naturally take these types of things personally. Imagine you have a student named Casey. Casey often has outbursts and expresses his hatred for your class. His behavior in class is the tip of his iceberg, without getting to know him better that’s all we would know. But Casey’s story, like so many of our students, is far more complex -- there is a lot under the surface. He acts out in class because things at home are really rough. He never knows if his father is going to be drunk or sober or when he there will be chaos or peace. His anxious and upset feelings come with him to school and contribute to the behavior he exhibits in class. So when he says he hates your class, what he’s really trying to say is “I’m in pain. Something is really bothering me.” Or even, “Hey, I don’t feel safe right now!”
The same way the tip of an iceberg suggests there is a lot more underneath the water, disruptive behavior in class can be a sign that the student is dealing with a lot and needs support. Recognizing a cry for help makes it easier not to take a student’s behavior personally. And it signals us to learn more about why this student isn’t in learning mode and to talk to the student and make them feel supported…
Be sure to follow your school’s protocol for mandatory reporting. Sometimes, a student will reveal an intention to harm themselves or the people around them, or that they’re living in an unhealthy or unsafe environment. We encourage you to follow your school’s protocol for mandatory reporting. You can and should also, talk to your school or community mental health support in more detail about the students you’re most concerned about. If you’re unaware of what to do, it’s helpful to familiarize yourself with your area’s policy of mandatory reporting.
When a student suffers a loss, or even a whole community experiences a critical incident, we know that many students might be in distress. But what if some of them are not showing any warning signs?
Consider a student like Ray. Ray lost her dad during a hurricane. Overall, Ray seemed fine and her grades stayed high. So no warning signs, but her teacher expressed her condolences and checked-in a few times during the term anyway. Later, Ray said that this approach had helped keep her afloat. Reaching out to students, like Ray, puts you on their resilience-building team. This is important because these students can be at-risk for anxiety and depression and for a variety of risky behaviors.
Doing a whole class activity like a breathing exercise can help all of your students learn some ways that they can notice and better manage their feelings. Here is an example:
Teachers that use exercises like this one regularly see improvements in their students’ self-esteem, confidence, resilience and achievement.
Checking-in with a student, building trust, encouraging them to share, problem solving an instructional modification and making a referral, if needed, is a lot to ask on top of everything you are already doing. But making these efforts will mean a lot for all of your students and they will hopefully increase the chances that you can keep everyone, even yourself, in learning mode.
Ms. Namond teaches third grade. The school year started a few weeks ago, and there’s a student in her class named Lucas who she is concerned about. She has checked in with Lucas a few times to ask how he’s doing, but he usually just shrugs and says he’s tired. She knows kids are kids, and they all get tired and irritable now and again, but… she’s worried about Lucas. Ms. Namond is going to see if she can find a few minutes to have a quiet conversation with him today. The goals in the conversation are to build Lucas’s trust and let him know someone is there for him, bring up what noticeable behavior and find out more about what’s going on, and brainstorm ways to improve Lucas’s experience at school.
Ms. Namond: Hey, thanks for taking a little time to chat with me today.
Lucas: Am I in trouble or something?
Ms. Namond: No, I just thought I’d like to talk with you. We don’t get to talk much during class, and I have a few things I’d like to ask you about, to get your opinion.
Lucas: Oh. Okay… I didn’t want to go to recess anyway.
Ms. Namond: We missed you last week when you were out.
Lucas: (no response)
Ms. Namond: The note from your mom said you were sick. What happened?
Lucas: Sometimes I feel tired and my stomach doesn’t feel good. It’s better if I stay home, you know? I don’t have to ride the bus…it’s just easier.
Ms. Namond: What do you mean when you say it’s “better” if you stay home?
Lucas: Like, the mornings are really crazy, and we’re all really sleepy and everyone’s grumpy. If I don’t have to ride the bus, I could sleep a little longer. It’s quiet at my grandma’s during the day, and that helps my stomach stop hurting.
Lucas Thought: You must like me a lot. I didn’t know you cared about all this stuff.
Ms. Namond: Maybe the mornings would be a little easier if you went to bed earlier.
Lucas: (shrugs)
Lucas Thought: That’s not gonna work. Duh…
Ms. Namond: You’ve missed a few days this year already, so this happens pretty often.
Lucas: Yeah. Sometimes my stomach hurts or I just feel tired. Usually I come to school anyway. But sometimes my mom lets me stay home. I feel a little better later, but by then it’s too late to go to school.
Ms. Namond: What did your doctor say?
Lucas: He said it wasn’t anything bad. My grandma says it isn’t that kind of sickness.
Ms. Namond: Oh? What does she think it is?
Lucas: She says I have “the nerves” like my grandpa did. That I worry too much about things.
Ms. Namond: What do you think?
Lucas: I don’t know. I don’t know how much other people worry.
Lucas Thought: If I was a superhero like this guy in the drawing… I wouldn’t worry at all.
Ms. Namond: I doubt you worry more than other people.
Lucas: But how do you really know?
Ms. Namond: You’re right, I don’t really know.
Feeback: Providing her opinion only interrupted the flow of the conversation, and at this point, Ms. Namond doesn’t know enough to gauge how much Lucas “should” be worrying. Instead, she can try asking a question or reflecting to better understand Lucas’s perspective.
What Ms. Namond could say instead is: What kinds of things do you worry about?
Where Lucas can respond: I don’t know. Like, sometimes I worry we’ll never get our house fixed. That we’ll be living at grandma’s house forever.
Ms. Namond: When is your house supposed to be fixed?
Lucas: They said it’d be ready last month. Now they say it won’t be until next month. But I won’t believe it until I see it. They say the smoke from the fire got over everything.
Ms. Namond: Tell me about the fire. What exactly happened?
Lucas: My stomach hurts. Can I lie down?
Ms. Namond: Would you prefer if we didn’t talk about the fire?
Lucas: (no response)
Ms. Namond: Lucas, I understand you don’t want to talk about the fire right now. Do you mind if we talk a little about other things, like how you’re doing right now?
Lucas: I guess so.
Feeback: When broaching potentially sensitive topics, it’s good to ask permission first (“Would it be okay if we talked about the fire?”). This makes the other person feel more comfortable and more in control.
Lucas Thought: Draw… Just draw. Maybe he needs a horse. Then he can run away.
Feeback: You and Lucas haven’t talked very much yet, and he still doesn’t feel entirely comfortable opening up to you. You can try to move the conversation forward and connect him to support, but he might be more receptive if you spend more time beforehand continuing to discuss his classroom experience.
Ms. Namond: How is it, living with your grandmother?
Lucas: Ugh, awful. Everyone is stressed. No one has enough room! It just makes me tired.
Ms. Namond: What’s it like when you talk to your family about how tough this is for you?
Lucas: I dunno. They’re busy. And really upset. Maybe more upset than I am.
Ms. Namond: Yeah, I’m sure this is stressful for everybody.
Lucas: (big sigh) Yeah.
Ms. Namond: You know Ms. Jones, the guidance counselor?
Lucas: Yeah.
Ms. Namond: She’s a really good person to talk to sometimes. She’s a great listener.
Lucas: (no response).
Ms. Namond: What would you think if we set up a special time for you and Ms. Jones to hang out?
Lucas: Sure.
Ms. Namond: Okay, I’ll let you know if I can set something like that up.
Ms. Namond: Well, thanks for talking with me. I really enjoyed it, Lucas.
Lucas: You’re welcome.
Ms. Namond: Recess is almost over. You want to keep drawing until then?
Lucas: Yep. I’m almost finished.
Ms. Namond: Good.
Jackie: Let’s hear what Lucas thought of this conversation.
Overall, Ms. Namond did a poor job managing this conversation. As a result, Lucas did not feel comfortable enough discussing his behavior in class.
Ms. Namond struggled to build trust with Lucas. Doing things like providing unsolicited advice, asking closed questions, and disagreeing with Lucas’s experience can decrease his trust level. Ms. Namond should try asking more open-ended questions and using reflections. Ms. Namond did a great job at bringing up what she noticed. Lucas felt safe and heard, which allowed him to open up. She did a fair job encouraging Lucas to share but sometimes used judgemental language which made him uncomfortable.
Ms. Namond asked some open-ended questions, which cannot be answered with just one or two words. She could have used more since they’re a great way to invite people to share their thoughts. While Lucas felt like Ms. Namond cared about what he was going through, she could have used more comforting and praising language to strengthen their trust and partnership.
Next time, Ms. Namond should use collaborative problem solving to learn what solutions will work best for Lucas rather than offering advice. An example of this, “What are some things you can do to make the bus ride better in the mornings?”
Ms. Namond: Hey, thanks for taking a little time to chat with me today.
Lucas: Am I in trouble or something?
Ms. Namond: No, I just thought I’d like to talk with you. We don’t get to talk much during class, and I have a few things I’d like to ask you about, to get your opinion.
Lucas: Oh. Okay… I didn’t want to go to recess anyway.
Ms. Namond: We missed you last week. Were you not feeling well?
Lucas: Yeah.
Feeback: Non-talkative students will often just say “yes” or “no” to a question like this (“Were you not well?”). Lucas may respond better to open-ended questions.
Ms. Namond: I noticed you seemed a little frustrated in class today. You had your head down for most of the language arts lesson, and you were sighing and shaking your head.
Lucas: Yeah.
Ms. Namond: What’s going on?
Lucas: Nate was being really loud. I don’t like it when he gets like that. It makes my head hurt.
Ms. Namond: Sometimes when it’s loud in class it makes your head hurt.
Lucas: Like, sometimes, if I haven’t gotten much sleep and I’m really tired, then sometimes I get a headache. I just want everyone to calm down, relax, not be so loud.
Feeback: Good job reflecting what you think this student is saying. Notice how that encouraged him to keep talking.
Ms. Namond: You get the headaches because you’re tired.
Lucas: Yeah… My mom and dad were up talking. Again. I tell them “C’mon, don’t you see I’m trying to sleep here?” But they just tell me to relax and count sheep or something. Why do people always say that?
Ms. Namond: Say what?
Lucas: About counting sheep? It never works.
Feeback: Ms. Namond did a good job reflecting what she thought the student was saying (“You get headaches because you’re tired”). Notice that this advanced the conversation.
Ms. Namond: How often do you have trouble sleeping?
Lucas: (big sigh) A lot.
Ms. Namond: Yeah?
Lucas: Yeah. Now that we live at Grandma’s. Why are grown ups always so loud?
Ms. Namond: (laughs) I don’t know.
Lucas: And they’re always talking about stuff I don’t want to hear, you know?
Lucas Thought: (sad) I don’t think we’re ever going to get back into our old house. Everything is going to be awful forever.
Ms. Namond: What kind of stuff are your parents talking about?
Lucas: Just about… insurance and stuff.
Ms. Namond: Insurance?
Lucas: Yeah, like the fire, and money… and fixing the house… I don’t know why they have to talk about it, it’s not making the house get fixed any faster.
Feeback: Now Lucas is really opening up, and we may be close to understanding his behavior.
Ms. Namond: You and I never really talked about the fire. I know that’s a very tough thing for you and your family to go through.
Lucas: Yeah. A really tough thing.
Lucas Thought: I guess it is a big deal. Most people probably never have a fire in their house.
Ms. Namond: Would it be okay if we talked a little about the fire?
Lucas: (no response)
Ms. Namond: Lucas, I understand you don’t want to talk about the fire right now. Do you mind if we talk a little about other things, like how you’re doing right now?
Lucas: Yeah, we could do that.
Feeback: Ms. Namond is doing a good job. When broaching a potentially sensitive topic, you can make the other person feel more comfortable and in control if you ask permission first. She and Lucas haven’t talked very much yet, and he still doesn’t feel entirely comfortable opening up to her. She can try to move the conversation forward and connect him to support, but he might be more receptive if you spend more time beforehand continuing to discuss his classroom experience.
Ms. Namond: Sounds really tough, having to move to a new place when you don’t want to… and a space that’s not yours and not set up the way you want, a place that doesn’t have all your things.
Lucas: I know! I used to have my own room, and my bed was really comfy, and I had a Playstation. Now all our stuff is in storage, and we live so far away and now my friends don’t come over. Everything is so messed up!
Ms. Namond: This is such a tough thing to go through. I really appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me how you’re feeling.
Lucas: Well you’ve been my teacher for a while.
Ms. Namond: You have so much going on and, in spite of all that, here you are at school, trying to study and learn and do well. I really admire that.
Lucas: (nods) Coming to school is like my job, right? I have to do it.
Ms. Namond: I guess so. But I know you study for our tests, and you’re so good about turning in your homework. Those things matter.
Ms. Namond: Lucas, I just wish I had a magic wand and I would wave it and none of this would have happened to you.
Lucas: I know, me too.
Lucas Thought: You’re the nicest teacher I’ve ever had. If I had a magic wand, I would make this recess go on forever.
Ms. Namond: Who do you have to talk to about all this?
Lucas: You?
Ms. Namond: I’m really glad you feel like you can talk to me, and I’m happy to talk when we can. Do you have anyone else you can talk to?
Lucas: Not really.
Ms. Namond: What’s it like when you talk to your family about how tough this is for you?
Lucas: I dunno. They’re busy. And really upset. Maybe more upset than I am.
Ms. Namond: Yeah, I’m sure this is stressful for everybody.
Lucas: (big sigh) Yeah.
Ms. Namond: Would you like to maybe make this a weekly thing? We could eat lunch together or sit together during recess?
Lucas: Could we have snacks?
Ms. Namond: (laughs; then faux seriously) I think we can do that.
Lucas: Popcorn?
Ms. Namond: It’s a deal!
Lucas Thought: I think I’ll make a new drawing - Ms. Namond and me, eating popcorn and playing video games. I think she’ll like that.
Ms. Namond: You know Ms. Jones, the guidance counselor?
Lucas: Yeah.
Ms. Namond: She’s a really good person to talk to sometimes. She’s a great listener. What would you think if we set up a special time for you and Ms. Jones to hang out?
Lucas: Sure.
Ms. Namond: Okay, I’ll let you know if I can set something like that up.
Ms. Namond: Well, thanks for talking with me. I really enjoyed it, Lucas.
Lucas: You’re welcome.
Ms. Namond: Recess is almost over. You want to keep drawing until then?
Lucas: Yep. I’m almost finished.
Ms. Namond: Good.
Overall, Ms. Namond did a great job managing this conversation. As a result, Lucas felt very comfortable discussing his behavior in class.
Ms. Namond asked some open-ended questions, which can’t be answered with just one or two words. They’re a great way to invite people to share their thoughts. Ms. Namond also had moments when she used praise and comforting language, which increased Lucas’s trust in her. Here is an example of something she said: “I admire how you can still focus on school with so much going on at home.”
Mr. Bauer is a middle school ELA teacher who has some concerns about his student Charlie. Here’s a list of the things that he’s noticed:
In terms of academic performance: Charlie is a hard working student, who clearly loves books. She keeps up with the assigned reading. Her class participation grade dropped recently.
In terms of social/emotional cues: Sometimes when called on Charlie has no idea what the class has been discussing. Working with other students goes well sometimes. Other times, she doesn’t want to talk at all. Charlie cried when asked about a recent drop in her participation grade and pleaded to be able to stay in the honors class next year.
You'll listen to two examples of the conversation Mr. Bauer has with Charlie as he sits down with her during a free period.
Mr. Bauer’s first goal is to check in with Charlie. Mr. Bauer can build trust and encourage her to share by giving her specific praise, asking open-ended questions, and expressing empathy. Mr. Bauer’s second goal is to brainstorm one way you can make the class more comfortable for Charlie.
Mr. Bauer: Thanks for stopping by, Charlie.
Charlie: (nods) Am I in trouble?
Mr. Bauer: No, you’re not in trouble. I just wanted to check in with you. You've been acting strangely in class
Charlie: Acting strangely?
Mr. Bauer: Yeah, I don't know… just not like yourself. Can you tell me what that's about?
Charlie: I don't know.
Feedback: "Acting strangely" is subjective, so it wasn't clear to Charlie what Mr. Bauer meant. It's also a negative label, which could make her feel judged.
Mr. Bauer: Your grades have been slipping recently and you've been participating less. I'm kind of concerned, Charlie.
Charlie: Am I not doing good enough? I'm trying really hard.
Mr. Bauer: I know you are. It's just- this is a challenging class.
Charlie: (nods)
Feedback: This wasn't the best choice. Mr. Bauer is trying to encourage Charlie to open up so he can learn how to help her. Instead of making her worried about her academics, he should try putting her at ease with specific praise, a nonjudgmental observation, or an open-ended question.
Mr. Bauer: This is an honors class, so there are different expectations about discussion participation than in other classes.
Charlie: I know. I'm really sorry.
Mr. Bauer: You've gotta be able to keep up.
Charlie: (nods, sighs)
Feedback: Taking a punitive tone in this moment isn't the best choice to help Charlie. She needs someone to listen to how she is feeling, and help her problem solve on her level.
Mr. Bauer: Sometimes students realize that honors is a bit too challenging. It might be less difficult for you in a different English class.
Charlie: No, I want to stay in honors. Please… I can do better.
Mr. Bauer: All right. I can see the class is important to you. So let's figure something out.
Charlie: (nods)
Charlie Thought: I know I can do it…why doesn’t he believe me?
Feedback: Even if this wasn't his intention, Charlie felt threatened by the suggestion that she shouldn't be in honors English. In moments like this, students need to feel supported in order to try harder.
Mr. Bauer: How much has paying attention been a challenge in your other classes?
Charlie: It depends. Sometimes it's fine. Other times, I kinda… space out.
Mr. Bauer: Why do you think that is?
Charlie: I don't know… sometimes there are things that I don't feel like talking about. Like the book we're reading now.
Feedback: It's a good idea for Mr. Baure to look for patterns in Charlie's behavior, and ask her what she has noticed in a non-threatening way. That can help they work together on how to address it.
Mr. Bauer: Books can bring up some strong feelings. How does reading this book make you feel?
Charlie: Uh… upset. It made me upset.
Mr. Bauer: Why did this book make you upset?
Charlie: Yeah. I… I really didn't like it when the dog got hurt.
Charlie Thought: My stomach feels weird…
Feedback: This was good. Mr. Bauer validated Charlie's reaction to the book and asked an open-ended question about her feelings. That made her feel safe enough to share a little about what's bothering her.
Mr. Bauer: I remember how upset I was the first time I read that part. I had a dog when I was a kid, and I've always been a dog person.
Charlie: Me too.
Mr. Bauer: So I can definitely understand-
Charlie: Wait, what kind of dog was it?
Mr. Bauer: My dog? She was a beagle.
Charlie: Aww, I love beagles… I had a dog growing up too.
Feedback: Mr. Bauer did well at finding a way to connect with Charlie, it really encouraged her to open up!
Mr. Bauer: What was your dog's name?
Charlie: Her name was Ash.
Mr. Bauer: "Ash". That's a great name. What breed was she?
Charlie: She was a husky.
Mr. Bauer: Oh, cool, huskies have such pretty eyes.
Charlie: Yeah. They really do.
Mr. Bauer: Sorry, we're getting off track.
Charlie: It's okay. It's cool you like dogs.
Mr. Bauer: Anyway, let's get back to talking about the dog in the book and the story overall.
Charlie: (disappointed) Sure.
Mr. Bauer: Charlie, it's good when we read books that make us uncomfortable. Don't you want to push yourself to learn and grow?
Charlie: I guess…
Mr. Bauer: When you say the book is too hard for you, I see it as a chance to challenge yourself, let you confront something scary in a safe way.
Charlie: That’s not what I’m trying to say…It just…
Mr. Bauer: What?
Charlie: I can read the book…. I understand it…. It’s just hard for me to talk about the dog.
Feedback: Just because many students can work through feeling uncomfortable about a book doesn't mean every student can. Charlie might need mental health support to confront the intense fear this book calls up for her.
Mr. Bauer: If the dog in the book is the problem for you, just don't talk about that part. There's so much more going on in that book. And you should be fine when we move on in a week or so.
Charlie: Sure.
Mr. Bauer: … you don't sound convinced.
Charlie: I just… I don't know.
Mr. Bauer: All right, Charlie, everything is going to be fine. You can try harder and pay more attention moving forward. Sound good?
Charlie: Yup.
Mr. Bauer: I know you want to do as well as you can, so you're going to really try. Right?
Charlie: Right.
Mr. Bauer: Maybe we can chat again in a week, and see how you’re feeling.
Charlie: Okay. Thanks.
Mr. Bauer: Sure thing.
One Week Later
Mr. Bauer: Hi Charlie, I figured it was time we had another chat.
Charlie: Sure.
Mr. Bauer: I haven't seen quite as much of an improvement in your participation as I would have hoped. I'd like to talk a little more about that, if that's okay.
Charlie: Okay.
Mr. Bauer: I think we need to talk about how you can focus better in class.
Charlie: Oh. Okay.
Charlie Thought: Why is Mr. Bauer being so bossy?
Mr. Bauer: I focus better when I make eye contact with people. You should try that.
Charlie: Oh yeah?
Mr. Bauer: Yeah, I'm less in my own head. Somehow I hear people better.
Charlie: Okay.
Charlie Thought: I don't think I want to do that.
Feedback: Mr. Bauer telling Charlie what she needs isn't the best way to find the most helpful solution for her. Asking students for their ideas can put you on the right track, and framing your ideas as questions ("How would you feel about…?") can make students more receptive to them.
Mr. Bauer: You should try taking notes when you read. Then you can have them on hand when we discuss.
Charlie I do that.
Mr. Bauer: But do you think about the class discussion while you're taking them? I think if you keep the discussion in mind, you might find it easier to know what to say in class.
Charlie: (shrugs) I guess I could try that.
Mr. Bauer: Good. Let's see how that works for you.
Mr. Bauer: Other than ways to make class feel better for you, I've been thinking about our conversation the other day.
Charlie: Yeah?
Mr. Bauer: I asked around, and you've been having a problem with paying attention in other classes.
Charlie: … does that mean I'm in trouble?
Mr. Bauer: No, but it has been happening a lot. So that makes me think we should do something about it.
Charlie: What do you mean?
Charlie Thought: I don't think I want to do that.
Feedback: Talking with colleagues is often part of supporting students; but Mr. Brauer made it sound like a lot of teachers consider her a problem, which made Charlie upset.
Mr. Bauer: When teachers notice a student having similar challenges in a few classes, sometimes we want to help the student check in with one of our counselors.
Charlie: A counselor?
Mr. Bauer: Yeah, someone whose job it is to talk to students about anything that's bothering them.
Charlie: Oh. Gotcha.
Mr. Bauer: I think you should talk to Ms. Ines, the school counselor.
Charlie: No, that's okay.
Mr. Bauer: It would be really good for you.
Charlie: (shakes head no)
Feedback: Pushing an idea on Charlie made her push back. Instead, you could try framing it as a question ("How would you feel if…?"). That makes it less threatening and gives students room to speak up if they have reservations.
Mr. Bauer: If you don't talk to someone about what you're dealing with, things will get worse.
Charlie: (shakes head no)
Mr. Bauer: Charlie, you have to deal with this now. It's already a problem in my class, and you're only in middle school.
Charlie: (shakes head no) No…
Feedback: Seeing a counselor can be really intimidating for students, so scare tactics like "things will get worse" don't help. Instead, find ways to help them explore and address that fear.
Mr. Bauer: A lot of students like talking to her.
Charlie: Really?
Mr. Bauer: Yeah. And, you don't have to tell her anything you don't want to.
Mr. Bauer: I've known her for a little while, and she's a really good listener.
Charlie: That doesn't sound so bad. Maybe… why do you think I should go?
Mr. Bauer: I know you want to stay in honors English, and this will help you feel more comfortable.
Charlie: I really do. Thanks.
Mr. Bauer: So how about it? Want to give it a try?
Charlie: I… I'll think about it.
Mr. Bauer: Let's go over everything we talked about, if that's okay with you.
Charlie: (nods)
Mr. Bauer: You're going to try taking notes before we discuss, you'll try making more eye contact during discussions, and we'll check back in about Ms. Ines another time. How does all that sound to you?
Charlie: Sure.
Mr. Bauer: Thanks for coming in, Charlie. Ms. Ines will probably be in touch with you soon.
Overall Mr. Bauer struggled to support Charlie in this conversation. These types of interactions are not easy, and can be new for many teachers.
At times, he put Charlie at ease and gained her trust by asking open-ended questions, which gave Charlie the opportunity to share insights about her behavior.
However, Mr. Bauer missed a few opportunities to work with Charlie to figure out ways to help her stay engaged and participate in class. Giving advice rather than collaboratively problem solving made Charlie uncomfortable. Additionally, Mr. Bauer could have used more praise and specific descriptions to help Charlie feel safe discussing her behavior in class and solutions.
In the end, Charlie didn’t feel safe enough to accept Mr. Bauer’s suggestion of seeing the counselor.
Now let’s listen to an interaction where Mr. Bauer takes a more understanding approach and meets the goals of the conversation.
Mr. Bauer: Thanks for stopping by, Charlie.
Charlie: (nods) Am I in trouble?
Mr. Bauer: No, you’re not in trouble. I just wanted to check in with you.
Charlie: Okay.
Mr. Bauer: I saw you finished another book, you're off our reading chart again this week.I'm glad to have such an avid reader in class.
Charlie: (laughs) Yeah, I, like… really like books.
Mr. Bauer: What do you like about books?
Charlie: I don't know… you get to be in other worlds, with different people.Sometimes they're like you, and sometimes they're not, so you get to see things in a new way.
Mr. Bauer: That's why I like reading too.
Charlie: (Smiles)
Feedback: Mr. Bauer gave Charlie specific praise, which made her feel seen and appreciated, as well as proud of her strengths. As a result, she opened up to him.
Mr. Bauer: I've seen you looking off into the distance a couple of times during class discussions.I wanted to check in about that.
Charlie: Yeah, you told me that last week. I'm really sorry, I don't know why it keeps happening.
Mr. Bauer: You don't need to be sorry, it's just… you used to talk a couple times every discussion, and always had interesting things to say.
Charlie: Thanks. My mind kind of wanders sometimes… I'll try to do better.
Feedback: This is a great way to start the conversation. Mr. Brauer observation was specific and factual, so Charlie knows exactly what he meant, and it felt sincere. It was also nonjudgmental, which helps reassure her.
Mr. Bauer: What kinds of things do you usually think about during class discussions?
Charlie: I don't know. The book, I guess.
Mr. Bauer: What about the book?
Charlie: It's just a lot to think about… It's not my favorite.
Feedback: Mr. Brauer did a good job asking an open-ended question, which prompted Charlie to share her feelings about the book. Sometimes it can take a while to build trust, encourage sharing, and get a better picture of what's bothering a student.
Mr. Bauer: Are you less interested than you used to be in the reading?
Charlie: No. I'm still interested.
Mr. Bauer: Well, what is it then?
Charlie: …I don't know.
Feedback: Mr.Brauer tried to guess what the problem is with a leading question ("Are you less interested…?"), but guessed wrong. It's usually faster to ask a broader question ("Why do you think…?") or to make an observation ("Yesterday, I saw…") and let the student share what's going on.
Mr. Bauer: Sometimes I have a hard time focusing when there's a lot on my mind.
Charlie: Yeah. I just don't really like the book we're reading.
Feedback: Sharing that Charlie's behavior is normal for anyone, even adults, is a great way to get on her level show that Mr. Brauer wasn’t judging her. As he keeps building trust with Charlie, she might start to say a little more about what's bothering her.
Mr. Bauer: Books can bring up some strong feelings. How does reading this book make you feel?
Charlie: Uh… upset. It made me upset.
Mr. Bauer: Why did this book make you upset?
Charlie: Yeah. I… I really didn't like it when the dog got hurt.
Charlie Thought: I trust Mr. Bauer… but I'm kinda nervous to talk more about this right now…
Feedback: Mr. Brauer validated Charlie's reaction to the book and asked an open-ended question about her feelings. That made her feel safe enough to share a little about what's bothering her.
Mr. Bauer: I get how hard it can be to read books you don't like. Sometimes it's difficult to want to keep going with it.
Charlie: Sorta. I want to keep going with it-
Mr. Bauer: But you just are having trouble with the story.
Charlie: I guess. I like dogs… I had a dog growing up.
Mr. Bauer: That's cool. I like dogs too.
Charlie: (half-smiles)
Mr. Bauer: Dog people usually find this book to be kind of challenging to read, when I've taught it before.
Charlie: Not challenging, exactly… scary.
Mr. Bauer: So reading that part of the book made you feel scared.
Feedback: Mr. Brauer did a good job at trying to understand Charlie's reaction and helping her realize it's normal to feel that way sometimes. That encouraged her to open up about Ash.
Charlie: I- I didn't like it. It made me think about my dog Ash. There were a couple times, when I was little… when Ash got hurt.
Mr. Bauer: Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Charlie: (nods)
Mr. Bauer: How did she get hurt?
Charlie: Um… she was barking… something really upset her.
Mr. Bauer: Mhm.
Charlie: And- and that made my dad angry.
Mr. Bauer: How did that make you feel?
Charlie: …scared.
Feedback: Mr. Brauer got additional info from Charlie. Now, he probably know enough to problem solve an instructional modification. There is no need to dig deeper.
Mr. Bauer: Just so you know, it's completely normal for you to have trouble focusing when you're thinking about something intense.
Charlie: Oh… really?
Mr. Bauer: Yeah. Sometimes, when people start thinking about bad things happening, it's
hard to think about anything else.
Charlie: Yeah… that's true.
Feedback: Sometimes when a student has a strong feeling or reaction, they feel scared of it or ashamed of it. Knowing it's normal can help them work past those feelings, be more aware of their behavior, and maybe even change it.
Mr. Bauer: Can I share a bit about what's helped other students who have trouble talking in class?
Charlie: Yeah, sure.
Mr. Bauer: Well, in the past, when a student has found it difficult to talk in class, I let them write in their reading log.
Charlie: Hm. That would be way easier for me.
Mr. Bauer: Then I can read your entries and leave you comments. How does that sound?
Charlie: Good.
Mr. Bauer: Maybe we can chat again in a week, and see how you're feeling.
Charlie: Okay. Thanks.
Mr. Bauer: Sure thing.
Feedback: Sometimes students reveal an intention to harm themselves or the people around them, or that their living environment is unhealthy or unsafe. When this happens, we suggest you talk to school or community mental health supports about students who concern you, and be aware of your area's policy of mandatory reporting.
Because Charlie did not share info that requires referral, so let's jump forward a week to when Mr. Bauer checks in with her. Mr. Brauer’s first goal is to see how the class has been for her. His second goal is to problem solve about class improvements. The third goal is to refer her to mental health focused support, if needed.
One Week Later
Mr. Bauer: Hi Charlie, I'm glad it worked out for us to talk again.
Charlie: Me too. I… like talking with you.
Mr. Bauer: I like what you wrote in your journal yesterday about the dog symbolizing the boy's childhood.
Charlie: Thanks. I liked what you said about characters representing parts of other characters.
Mr. Bauer: So how has the last week felt for you?
Feedback: When Mr. Brauer asked open-ended questions like, "How has the last week felt?" he gave her room to share and her answers can give him important information about what she is thinking or how she is feeling.
Charlie: Pretty good. The reading log makes it a lot easier for me to get my thoughts out.
Mr. Bauer: That makes sense.
Charlie: I wish I could write instead of talking in all my classes.
Mr. Bauer: For now, let's focus on this class. If you just wrote in your journal, we'd miss out on your interesting insights. So let's keep using the reading log and see if you can share some of those thoughts in class as well.
Charlie: Okay. Thanks.
Charlie Thought: I was really liking just writing… but I guess I can try to talk more.
Mr. Bauer: I'd like to talk a little bit about how else we can make this class work well for you. I really want you to feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with the class.
Charlie: Yeah, me too.
Mr. Bauer: Would it be okay if we brainstorm a little about that?
Charlie: Sure.
Feedback: Mr. Brauer did a good job at setting a tone of collaboration. And with a student who might have experienced trauma, asking if you can talk about something first can help put them at ease, they can have a hard time with surprises or transitions.
Mr. Bauer: What might help you focus on the class, participate more?
Charlie: I don't know… I don't like talking in front of everyone.
Mr. Bauer: Well, what would make it easier to share some of your ideas with someone else?
Charlie: Maybe, talking one-on-one. If it's with you, or a friend.
Feedback: It's a great idea to ask students for solutions--sometimes they suggest things you wouldn't have thought of, and either way it shows you value them and their ideas.
Mr. Bauer: How would you feel if we did the next discussion in partners? I'm going to make the assignment, and you can tell me who you'd like to work with.
Charlie: I could just discuss with Stephanie instead of the whole class?
Mr. Bauer: Yeah, exactly. I usually walk around and check in with the pairs to hear what they've talked about.
Charlie: I… think that would help.
Feedback: Framing an idea as a question ("How would you feel if…?") makes it less threatening and gives students room to speak up if they have reservations.
Mr. Bauer: Sometimes when people feel nervous it can help them to do a breathing exercise and help their body to relax. When someone's body is relaxed, their mind is usually relaxed too. What do you think about that?
Charlie: I don't know… won't that be weird?
Mr. Bauer: I'll teach it to the whole class. When everyone is doing it, I don't think it'll be that weird.
Charlie: It sounds kinda corny… but okay.
Feedback: Whole-class activities can help everyone--and they can also show a student they aren't alone in needing some support.
Mr. Bauer: Other than ways to make class feel better for you, I've been thinking about our conversation the other day.
Charlie: Yeah?
Mr. Bauer: What you said about Ash sounded pretty scary.
Charlie: …yeah. I don't really like talking about it.
Feedback: Mr. Brauer acknowledged Charlie’s feelings as valid, which was a great way to build rapport and trust.
Mr. Bauer: What was it like living with your dad?
Charlie: …
Feedback: It's clear that this is a very difficult topic for Charlie. Her discomfort is a strong indication that she could benefit from talking to Ms. Ines.
Mr. Bauer: What you said about your dad, and Ash… where does your dad live? Does he still live at your house?
Charlie: No. I don't know where he is.
Mr. Bauer: When did that happen?
Charlie: …
Mr. Bauer: How would you feel about talking to Ms. Ines, the school counselor about your challenges focusing in class?
Charlie: …does that mean there's something wrong with me?
Mr. Bauer: No, lots of students get worried, or have thoughts in school that make it difficult to learn. Our counselors are really good at listening to what's on a student's mind.
Charlie: Huh. I didn't know that. I'm not so sure though…
Feedback: Framing an idea as a question ("How you feel about…?") makes a referral seem less threatening. Also, by sharing that other students find it helpful to speak with a counselor, it helps to normalize the experience and reduce potential stigma surrounding counseling.
Mr. Bauer: It sounds like you could use someone else to talk to, someone who might be able to help both of us.
Charlie: But, I like talking with you.
Mr. Bauer: And I'm happy to keep sitting down together. At the same time, Ms. Ines is even better than I am with helping people.
Charlie: …
Mr. Bauer: How would you feel if I introduced you, and the three of us talked a little together?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mr. Bauer: You don't have to tell her anything you don't want to. I've known her for a little while, and she's a really good listener. When I'm stressed, she's the person that I like to talk to!
Charlie: That doesn't sound so bad. Maybe… why do you think I should go?
Mr. Bauer: I am going to do everything I can to help you. But at the same time,I want you to be able to feel comfortable outside my classroom as well.I think talking to someone like Ms. Ines could really help you with that.
Charlie: …
Mr. Bauer: Sometimes it helps to talk openly about our feelings with someone we trust.
Charlie: Okay. I'll go.
Mr. Bauer: Let's go over everything we talked about, if that's okay with you.
Charlie: …
Mr. Bauer: You're going to keep writing in your reading log when we have full class discussions, and also try to participate more in class. We'll try discussing in partners instead of a full class discussion once to see how that feels… I'll try teaching the class a breathing exercise tomorrow… And we'll set up a time for both of us to sit down with Ms. Ines and get to know one another. How does all that sound to you?
Charlie: That sounds good. Thanks Mr. Bauer.
Mr. Bauer: Let's try giving Ms. Ines a call and see if she's around…
Let’s see why that conversation was much more successful.
Overall, Mr. Bauer did a great job supporting Charlie in this conversation.
Mr. Bauer consistently make Charlie feel comfortable and was able to gain her trust.
By working with Charlie to figure out ways to help her stay engaged and participate, Charlie felt more capable of change and that Mr. Bauer was there for her.
Mr. Bauer used open-ended questions, praise and specific descriptions to help Charlie feel safe discussing her behavior in class. By showing empathy, Charlie felt more confident in her ability to succeed. Together they came with some instructional modifications that were a great match for Charlie.
Additionally, Charlie agreed to see Ms. Ines because you made her feel safe during the conversation., Mr. Bauer did a good job of suggesting the referral in a non-threatening way.
Ms. Payton is a high school history teacher. She has a student named Noah she’s been keeping an eye on this year. He's already faced some big challenges; his brother, who served in the military, was killed in action three years ago, and his father was out of work for nearly a year.
Despite that, he worked hard and has consistently been a top student and well-liked by his classmates. But recently Ms. Payton has been more concerned. His work has been less insightful, and he's seemed a little more on edge. Ms. Payton took a few minutes to put together some notes on Noah. Before we get started, let’s hear what she’s been noticing:
In terms of academic performance, Noah's recent work has been drastically different from his usual high-level work. His grade has slipped from an A to a C.
In terms of social/emotional cues: Lately, Noah has seemed really tired and on edge. He's been oppositional and argumentative towards with his peers. Today, when a classmate interrupted Noah while he was asking a question, he stood up and yelled at the student to shut up.
This is a transcript of when Ms. Payton sits down with Noah during a free period.
Ms. Payton’s first goal of this conversation is to check in with Noah to see how he's feeling. She can build trust and encourage him to share by giving him specific praise, asking open-ended questions, and expressing empathy. Ms. Payton’s second goal is to brainstorm one way she can make class more comfortable for Noah.
Ms. Payton: Hi, Noah. Thanks for coming by.
Noah: Y-yeah… Sure. What's up?
Ms. Payton: I wanted to check in with you. See how you're doing.
Noah: Oh. (beat) I'm doing… y'know…
Ms. Payton: Why did you raise your voice at Silas in class today?
Noah: I didn't raise my… That's not what…
Ms. Payton: You looked really upset.
Noah: I didn't do anything wrong, he… He interrupted me. You saw that, right? I mean, I'm not… Forget it.
Ms. Payton: I can't have you snapping at other students in class.
Noah: Yeah, but I was… I was… Fine.
Ms. Payton: You seem to have a problem with some of your classmates.
Noah: Wha- what do you mean? No, I don't.
Ms. Payton: Recently I've seen you muttering to yourself when other students are talking. It's disrespectful.
Feedback: Whenever a student denies what you are saying, it's a pretty good indication that you have put them on the defensive.
Ms. Payton: Are you struggling like this with your other classes?
Noah: "Struggling"? I wouldn't say I'm… I just can't seem to keep my head clear lately and my grades have taken a hit. I've just been so, I don't know… so tired lately.
Feedback: Many students will have a reaction to words like "struggling." Try to describe his behavior without judgement. It will make him feel safer in this conversation.
Ms. Payton: Your last paper was C-level work, Noah.
Noah: I… I know… I'm just not used to… people in my family don't do C work.
Ms. Payton: Noah, in life, you're not always going to get an A on everything.
Noah: There's people… I mean, absolutely there's people who only ever got As.
Ms. Payton: Right… I'm just saying that it's not the absolute measure of your achievements.
Noah: Maybe… but it's the measure West Point uses.
Feedback: Be careful not to turn this conversation into an argument--the more you argue with Noah, the deeper he digs into his positions.
Ms. Payton: Are you seriously considering going to West Point?
Noah: I… I mean, what?
Noah Thought: Does she not think I'm good enough?
Ms. Payton: You know, you don't have to join the military.
Noah: It's the only thing I can do that I know will make my family proud.
Ms. Payton: Why the only thing?
Noah: We don't freeload in this family. We serve West Point then active service was the only option my brother was ever given growing up. And… well, same here.
Feedback: Understanding Noah's thinking is important, but Ms. Payton should refocus on how he can feel more comfortable in class, or how they both can think of ways to help him with his stress.
Ms. Payton: You don't seem very excited by the idea.
Noah: Well that's something that got decided a long time ago.
Ms. Payton: So, you feel like you're not being given a choice in where you go to college.
Noah: I… I never said… Y'know, it's just that… West Point's what I want. Get to… y'know, the same school as Ryan.
Feedback: Moments like this, where a student has a reaction can be difficult, but you are on the right track. Ms. Payton reflected back what she heard and that's a great way to check for understanding. In this case, Noah is figuring out what he thinks and reacting to a difficult situation.
Ms. Payton: Noah, you really need to make what you want a priority here.
Noah: West Point is… That is what I want. Plain and simple.
Ms. Payton: That's not really what I'm hearing from you.
Noah: Then you need to get your hearing checked.
Feedback: If Ms.Payton can find a way to explore this topic without telling him what to do, she will be more successful.
Ms. Payton: You're feeling a lot of pressure right now.
Noah: Yeah… yeah. And.. Y'know, I just wanna make everyone happy.
Feedback: When you reflected his feelings back to Noah in this way, it gave him a chance to reflect, too.
Ms. Payton: How would you feel about talking to Mr. Forster, our school counselor?
Noah: That's… No. I don't really think that's for me.
Ms. Payton: Are you sure?
Noah: Yeah… no, I… Look, I appreciate the concern. I do.But my grades just aren't where I want them to be. That's not something I need counseling about.
Feedback: An open-ended question like this (How would you feel…?) is a non-threatening way to begin making a referral.
Ms. Payton: Okay… so you'll try to keep your outbursts under control?
Noah: I… Why are you STILL acting like this is my fault?
Ms. Payton: This is about what's best for the class. Now, let's check back in next week and see how you're doing.
Noah: …
Ms. Payton: Noah?
Noah: Yeah. I mean… I guess. Whatever.
One Week Later
Ms. Payton: Did you get that bruise in a fight?
Noah: I got… I mean, Javy Dixon probably wouldn't call it a fight.
Ms. Payton: What were you thinking getting into a fight with Javier Dixon?
Noah: He was being… he was just making me so mad. And he-He's twice your size.
Noah: Yeah. I got that.
Feedback: Ms. Payton showed her disappointment in Noah's actions which might make it harder for her to find out more about his thinking and or to be able to refer him if needed.
Ms. Payton: Noah, fighting isn't a solution for anything.
Noah: Yeah… well, I had to give it a go to find that out. Thanks.
Feedback: Ms. Payton wants Noah to stop getting into fights, but just telling him what's right isn't going to address the root of the problem -- that he is experiencing a lot of stress. Ms.Payton should focus on getting him to consider seeing a counselor.
Ms. Payton: What made you feel you needed to step in?
Noah: I just… I saw Javy doing what he was doing… saying those things… an' I just wanted to shut him up.
Ms. Payton: You wanted to protect another student.
Noah: Yeah, but it's not just… I j-just… I think Ryan would have done something about it. When I used to get picked on he would… y'know? Like any real man should be able to… y'know, stop something like that.
Feedback: Asking a student what they were thinking or feeling is a smart move. Notice how much Ms.Payton learned about what might have been behind the fight.
Ms. Payton: Noah, a man would also have been able to walk away from a fight.
Noah: (turns away) Maybe you're right.
Feedback: It's tempting to give advice like this, but it tends to shut down the conversation.
Ms. Payton: You should talk to your parents about this.
Noah: My parents? They're, y'know… they're dealing with their own bad dreams and stuff.
Ms. Payton: It sounds like you're experiencing distress.
Noah: I… what? What's that supposed to mean?
Ms. Payton: Like… depression. Anxiety.
Noah: …
Feedback: It's never a good idea to attempt to diagnose your students. That's the job of a mental health professional, not a teacher. Remain patient and focus on making a referral.
Ms. Payton: How would you feel about talking to Mr. Forster?
Noah: …
Ms. Payton: We can still meet like this and talk about your school work.But Mr. Forster might be able to help you talk through the stress you're feeling…or anything else you want to talk about. Is that something you might be interested in?
Noah: I don't… I know I've spilled a lot to you but… there's not many people who know my business.
Feedback: This is a great way to bring up this question. Hang in there!
Ms. Payton: When someone's dealing with something, whether it's the loss of a loved one or stress at school, it's perfectly normal to talk to someone. I've done it.
Noah: For real?
Ms. Payton: Yep. And counselors can help us come up with things we can do that help us feel better.
Noah: But I've never met him before. It'd be weird to, y'know, just like "Hey… how's it going?"
Feedback: Right now, Noah feels like there is something wrong with him for still being upset about Ryan. This statement is essential to helping him feel like his reaction to the situation is normal and that getting help is normal too.
Ms. Payton: What if I write you a pass and you can go see him right now?
Noah: Ummm…I don't think so. I kinda think my parents are right about that counseling thing. I'll handle this myself.
Ms. Payton: Noah, I really think you should-
Noah: (cuts her off) No, no. I got this.
Ms. Payton: O…okay. I'll see you in class.
Overall, Ms. Payton struggled to support Noah in this conversation. These types of interactions are not easy, and can be new for many teachers.
At times, Ms. Payton did well, she offered specific observations of Noah’s behavior, but at other moments her comments were less neutral putting Noah on the defensive.
Giving Noah advice rather than collaboratively problem solving made Noah uncomfortable. In turn, Noah didn’t accept Ms. Payton’s suggestion to see the counselor.
Now let’s listen to an interaction where Ms. Payton takes a more understanding approach and meets the goals of the conversation.
Ms. Payton: Hi, Noah. Thanks for coming by.
Noah: Y-yeah… Sure. What's up?
Ms. Payton: I wanted to check in with you. See how you're doing.
Noah: Oh. (beat) I'm doing… y'know…
Ms. Payton: What happened in class today?
Noah: That was… (sighs) I knew that's what this was about. (beat) I was upset. He… He… I was in the middle of asking a question and Silas just… opens his big mouth and… just to get a laugh. Then everyone's talking about something else and I just… I mean, I'm sorry I snapped, but…
Feedback: By starting with an open-ended question (What happened?), Ms.Payton created space for Noah to share what's on his mind. It's also great that she didn't make him feel like he was there because he did something "wrong."
Ms. Payton: You were upset that Silas interrupted you.
Noah: I mean… like, have you ever known him to ask anything important? Or say anything that-… Like anything?
Ms. Payton: Silas does like to make jokes.
Noah: And I… It was the last class before our section test… and I'm not… I don't understanding the… the-… And I mean Silas doesn't care how he does, so he just, y'know- (makes belching sound) right before the bell was gonna ring and suddenly everyone's talking about something else, and I… I guess I lost it. Sorry.
Feedback: When Ms. Payton reflected back what she thought he was saying (You were upset when Silas…), she made Noah feel heard. You might not always get a reflection like this exactly right, but students will correct you and let them know what they are thinking.
Ms. Payton: It's not just today with Silas… I've noticed you kind of… talking quietly to yourself… shaking your head when other students are speaking.
Noah: I'm not… it's just that, do you listen to what some of them are saying.
Ms. Payton: I-
Noah: (cuts her off) No, of course you do. And I like class discussions normally. But it just feels like everyone's always… missing the point. (beat) I'm sorry, I just… I get so frustrated. I'm not doing as well as I used to. I mean, Cs on my last two papers? C'mon. I need to hear from people who know what they're talking about. Like you or… y'know.
Noah Thought: I'm trying to do everything right, but everyone else just keeps… getting in my way.
Ms. Payton: Do you understand why you got a C on your last paper?
Noah: Yeah, 'cause it sucked. 'Cause I didn't know what I was talking about 'cause I've been having a hard time… focusing and not… like, sleeping great. Yeah, so it sucked.
Ms. Payton: When I have a lot on my mind, it can really mess with my sleep schedule.
Noah: Really?
Ms. Payton: Yep. When something's really bothering me, I'll wake up in the middle of the night… sometimes toss and turn for hours before I get back to sleep.
Noah: Yeah, that's how it… I mean, I fall asleep fine, but then I just wake up. And my mind's racing thinking about everything I have to do the next day. (beat) I'll never get into West Point at this rate.
Ms. Payton: I remember thinking the same thing about the college I wanted to attend. And then my top choice changed about half a dozen times before I graduated.
Noah: Yeah… Um… That's not… that's not what I'm talking about, though. This is… y'know, how it's gonna be. How it's gotta be.
Noah Thought: (mind racing/overlapping) I gotta get to my chem study group… That test tomorrow's gonna be murder… And I wanna get to practice early and work on my foul shots… My jump shot is straight up broke… I need to eat on the way home in case mom didn't make anything tonight….
Feedback: This was such an empathetic statement. Ms. Payton told him a little about herself and made him feel like his struggles are normal, but she didn't trivialize them.
Ms. Payton: What appeals to you about West Point?
Noah: Well… for starters, it's really hard to get into.
Ms. Payton: A lot of schools are competitive. What's special about this one?
Noah: Great people are made at West Point. Just look at my brother.
Feedback: Simple open-ended questions like, "What appeals to you…" can help you learn more about what might be bothering a student like Noah. You are getting some helpful information here.
Ms. Payton: I know we, as teachers, ask a lot of you during Junior year. And you're clearly asking a lot of yourself too. Balancing long-term goals with day-to-day life can be difficult.
Noah: I don't… it feels like more than that with me, though. I know I gotta always be doing my best, but most days I just don't have it.
Feedback: Ms. Payton let Noah know that his struggles are valid. It showed him she’s on his side and genuinely interested in his perspective. As a result, he opened up.
Ms. Payton: You don't seem very excited by the idea.
Noah: I… w-why… why wouldn't I be? Like, everyone else is freaking out about where they're going to go to school, but I… No, that's something that got decided a long time ago.
Ms. Payton: So, you feel like you're not being given a choice in where you go to college.
Noah: I… I never said… Y'know, it's just that… yeah, West Point's what I want. Get to… y'know, the same school as Ryan.
Feedback: Moments like this, where a student has a reaction can be difficult, but Ms. Payton is on the right track. She reflected back what she heard and that's a great way to check for understanding. In this case, Noah is figuring out what he thinks and reacting to a difficult situation.
Ms. Payton: What happens if you don't get in?
Noah: I told you. Not getting in is not an option.
Ms. Payton: But what if you don't?
Noah: (long pause) Put it this way, I get rejected from West Point, I'll just… I'll tell my parents I got in and go… somewhere. I don't know. I'd disappear. As long as they think it's West Point.
Feedback: Asking this open-ended question (What happens if….?) helped Ms. Payton get an important window into Noah's thinking right now.
Ms. Payton: I know it's scary to think about the possibility of rejection.
Noah: It's not… Y'know, I've had people… (sighs) I've had girls reject me. A lot. And I know, like… that's rejection. This… this isn't… there's no coming back from this. Whichever way it breaks… it's gonna stay broken.
Feedback: Ms.Payton showed Noah that she is really listening to him by empathizing with what he might be feeling.
Ms. Payton: Okay, well… What can we do in our class to make you feel more focused and prepared?
Noah: Um… I… I don't know. I feel like… I feel like my head's all over the place, so…
Ms. Payton: Why don't we meet next week and go over your ideas for your next paper. We can talk through them and make sure you have them all in order before you start writing.
Noah: Yeah… and maybe we can talk out some of the things we don't get to in class. (beat) Thanks. And thanks for… y'know. (smiles) Thanks.
Ms. Payton: So… we'll meet again next week?
Noah: (smiles) Next week.
Feedback: It's great to ask students for their thoughts when you are brainstorming a "solution." In this case, it's clear that organizing his thoughts is an issue and this will hopefully help with that.
One Week Later
Ms. Payton: Thanks for meeting again, Noah.
Noah: Yeah. I- I mean… of course.
Ms. Payton: Can I ask how you got that bruise on your face?
Feedback: Asking permission to discuss something allows students to feel like they have a say in what you are going to discuss.
Noah: It looks worse than it is.
Ms. Payton: It looks like it hurt.
Noah: So… yeah. Javy Dixon… y'know, isn't the smallest guy in school.
Feedback: It's always a good idea to check-in with a students when you see a visible sign that they have been injured in some way. Clearly, a bruise on the face could be an indication of some sort of abuse in the home, so it's good that you brought this up.
Ms. Payton: You got into a fight with Javier Dixon.
Noah: If that's what you wanna call it. (sigh) I was at lunch. Javy was in line behind this little skinny kid… don't even know his name. And he was flicking him in his ear an' callin' him… (pause)
Ms. Payton: Calling him what?
Noah: Queer. Fairy. Stuff like that. And it made me so… angry. I told Javy to leave the kid alone. He said, "Mind your own business." I don't know… I guess something snapped and I jumped in. The next thing I know, I'm on the ground and Javy's stomping me.
Feedback: Ms. Payton found out a lot here because she didn't judge his behavior.
Ms. Payton: Standing up for that student was a courageous thing to do, Noah.
Noah: I- I mean… Like, I'm trying, right? Like I- Like I'm trying to do what… what I'm supposed to… Isn't that what a man does, y'know? To be… y'know, to be able to say, "this isn't… this shouldn't be happening." And to, y'know, do something.
Feedback: Noah is feeling bad about so many things, right now. Giving him a little praise was a wise choice.
Ms. Payton: It sounds like the idea of being a man is on your mind.
Noah: No, I… (turns away, then back) I wanted to do something, but I didn't know how. So, I tried to do what Ryan would have done… like when he used to protect me. He could just look at those other kids and they'd run like hell. But I couldn't… I just… I wasn't strong enough.
Ms. Payton: So, you want to be more like your brother.
Noah: That's what everyone wants. But why… I just don't understand why am I… (gets choked up) why I'm not, like, good enough.
Feedback: Stating/reflecting back what Ms.Payton heard him say offered Noah the chance to think about this idea and reflect on it some more.
Ms. Payton: How much of what you're feeling have you shared with your parents?
Noah: My parents?
Ms. Payton: I'm sure they'd want to help if they knew you were in pain.
Noah: My parents are just… I mean , I get it. My parents lost their oldest son. But here I am… doing everything I can to be the best student, the best athlete, the best… everything they wanted their sons to do. But it's never enough.
Feedback: Finding out how things are going with parents or guardians can help you more fully understand a student's resources. It's important information that a counselor will appreciate knowing.
Ms. Payton: I can only imagine how difficult all of this must be for you.
Noah: It's been three years since Ryan died. And it seems like everyone, like, expects everything to be back to normal by now.
Feedback: Acknowledging Noah's loss in this way, made him feel safe enough to open up about it.
Ms. Payton: You and your family have been through so much recently. Can I share something with you that's helped other students when they've experienced difficult times?
Noah: I mean… I guess so.
Ms. Payton: They've found it helpful to talk to Mr. Forster.
Noah: The school shrink?
Ms. Payton: He prefers "counselor."
Noah: Yeah, yeah. Sorry.
Feedback: Knowing that other students have gotten help is likely to make Noah more open to seeing a counselor.
Ms. Payton: Why don't you want to see the counselor?
Noah: I don't know… It kinda makes me wonder if… y'know, if something's wrong with me.
Noah Thought: I'm not sick. I'm NOT.
Ms. Payton: Noah, getting help doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
Noah: Then how come other people aren't having the same problems I am? I have friends who have lost people in their lives and they're like… they're fine. I mean, they seem fine.
Ms. Payton: Everyone processes grief differently. That's why it's so helpful to talk to someone like Mr. Forster. He can help identify what you need and what can best help you going forward.
Noah: I… I mean, that… that doesn't sound so bad.
Feedback: It's so important for Noah to hear that his struggles do not signal that something is wrong with him. Ms. Payton helped him see that his grieving process is valid and even normal, which could really help him feel more comfortable going to Mr. Forster.
Ms. Payton: How would you feel if we went and talked to him together?
Noah: You'd be cool coming with me?
Ms. Payton: (nods) We could swing by his office right now. Does that work for you?
Noah: (lowers his head, thinking) Yeah, okay. (pause) And, we're still on for next week?
Ms. Payton: Absolutely.
Feedback: For many students walking into a counselor's office to seek help is very challenging. Ms. Payton’s offer to go with Noah clearly made a big difference. And it very concretely moves him on a path to the support he needs.
Overall Ms. Payton did a great job supporting Noah in this conversation. She put Noah at ease and gained his trust by asking open-ended questions. Her observations were neutral and specific which gave Noah the opportunity to share insights about his behavior.
By working with Noah to figure out ways to improve his classwork, Noah felt less hopeless and alone with his struggles. Additionally, Noah agreed to see the counselor because Ms. Payton made him feel heard and comfortable throughout the conversation.
Sometimes, a student like Lucas will reveal an intention to harm themselves or the people around them, or that they’re living in an unhealthy or unsafe environment. We encourage you to talk to your school or community mental health support in more detail about the students you’re most concerned about, and to familiarize yourself with your area’s policy of mandatory reporting.
Doing a whole class activity helps students learn some ways that they can notice and better manage their feelings. A lot of teachers who do this activity at the beginning of each class. Schools that use exercises like this one see improvements in self-esteem, confidence, resilience and achievement. Sharing trauma-informed exercises with the whole class helps us ensure that harder to spot students also receive some support. Anything you can do to make their school environment more predictable or foster their sense of self-worth really helps. In some cases whole school communities move together towards a trauma-informed approach. You can explore more about whole school approaches and activities like these in your Resources section.
We’re not gurus, therapists, or superheroes… we’re teachers. It’s pretty amazing when we can recognize warning signs and connect with a struggling student. It’s a big deal when a student who has always seen themselves as a “problem kid” starts to talk about what’s hard for them. Or for a withdrawn student to feel more connected to their class and their teacher. Finding just the right solution to help a student feel safer in class can be a trial-and-error process -- it’s a journey.
This concludes the simulation. Please click the link below to request a certificate of completion.