Tips and Tactics

Recognizing Red Flags

Below are examples of warning signs that it might be time to check in with a friend, talk things out, and connect him or her with resources that can help. There’s no need to memorize these lists of warning signs as long as you get the general idea of what to look for. The important thing is staying alert and trusting your gut.

Patterns of Negative Behavior

• Financial or relationship problems
• Long periods of (or frequent outbursts of) irritability, anger, anxiety (for example, being “jumpy” or “on edge”), restlessness, hopelessness, shame, guilt, failure, or sadness
• Consistently poor health or personal hygeine
• Spending a lot of time drinking or using other drugs
• Over-eating or under-eating
• Consistently poor performance in work or school
• Repeated high-risk behaviors (reckless driving, fighting, etc.)
• Feeling tired all the time
• Avoiding certain people, places, activities, topics, objects, etc.
• Persistent trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; or trouble with any of the five senses

Negative Changes in Behavior

• Sudden change in mood or outbursts of emotion
• Isolation or withdrawal from friends, family, and/or society
• Losing interest in hobbies, work, school, the future, or other things that used to be important
• Loss of energy
• Sudden problems at work or school
• Increase in drinking or the use of other drugs
• Change in sleep patterns: difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, oversleeping, or nightmares
• Canceling treatment sessions or appointments

Major life events—such as a break up or divorce, the loss of a job, or the death of a loved one—are also good times to approach a person to see how they’re doing. Even positive changes—such as the birth of a child, a promotion, or a marriage—can be stressful and bring about negative emotions or behaviors.

Urgent Signs

Signs like the ones below may indicate that a person is experiencing a crisis or considering suicide. If you notice any of these, talk to the person right away and get them help (such as calling 911, taking the person to an emergency room, or calling a hotline like 1-800-273-TALK):

• Feeling like a burden on friends, family, or society
• Acting recklessly, violently, or without concern for one’s own life
• Suddenly deteriorating performance at work or school
• Complete lack of self-care (for example, no longer eating or bathing)
• Giving away possessions, especially prized possessions
• Putting affairs in order for one’s death
• Acquiring firearms, pills, or other means of self-harm
• Sudden “brightening” of mood after a long time of feeling down

Conversation Tactics

How you talk with someone you’re concerned about can mean the difference between a positive and a negative outcome for them. Therefore, it’s important to know which conversation tactics are most likely to be effective.

First, there are a few general things to keep in mind:

• Your goal should be gathering information and getting the person talking. For much of the conversation, you should be asking questions and trying to understand the person’s situation.
• Your goal is NOT to “fix” the person or give advice. If you start from the premise that the person is wrong, incompetent, or “broken,” that will come across in the conversation, and you will face resistance or even hostility.
• If you’re already on good terms with the person, you can be a little more direct—as long as you’re not blunt or judgmental. If you don’t know the person very well, you should spend more time building rapport—getting to know them, sharing common experiences, and establishing that you’re on their side.
• Once you better understand the person’s situation and have built rapport, only then is it effective to offer advice or suggest resources that might help.
• People are more motivated to try solutions that they come up with themselves. Assume the person has a good idea of what will work for them, and ask what they think will help, before or instead of offering your own advice.
• If you think the person might be in immediate danger or considering self-harm or suicide, don’t try to handle the situation yourself—call in backup. Call a hotline, such as 1-800-273-TALK (and press 1), or dial 911.

The next few sections comprise a non-comprehensive list of tactics you can use in a conversation like this.

Making Observations vs. Stating Opinions

When you’re concerned about someone, a good way to start the conversation is to make a factual observation. That means describing an observable fact without adding any opinion, exaggeration, or judgment (adding any of these is a surefire way to make the person defensive).

INEFFECTIVE:

• “You’ve been starving yourself this week. What’s going on?” (exaggeration)
• “You were a real downer at the party last weekend. Something on your mind?” (judgment)

EFFECTIVE:

• “The last few times we grabbed lunch, I noticed you ordered a diet soda, but nothing to eat. What’s up?” (factual observation)
• “At the party last weekend, I don’t think I saw you crack a smile all evening. I was just wondering why.” (factual observation)

Open-Ended vs. Closed-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are more likely to get a detailed response, while closed-ended questions often get only a one-word answer.

CLOSED-ENDED (INEFFECTIVE):

• “Are you okay?”
• “Are you really busy?”
• “Do you like your new neighbors?”
• “Did you get bored of running?”

OPEN-ENDED (EFFECTIVE):

• “How are you doing?”
• “What’s it like, working two jobs?”
• “What do you think about your new neighbors?”
• “Why did you stop running?”

Ask follow-up questions to get even more information:

YOU: What’s your schedule like these days?

BUDDY: Busy.

YOU: Okay… what’s keeping you busy?

BUDDY: Oh, you know… work has been crazy, and I’m taking night classes, too.

YOU: What kind of classes?

BUDDY: Administration classes. I’ve got my eye on a promotion…

Paraphrasing

Paraphrasing—or repeating back what the person has said in your own words—not only shows that you’re listening and that you care about what the person is saying, but it also gives the person a chance to clarify what they meant. This clarification helps you better understand and helps the person think through what they really mean.

INEFFECTIVE:

CHRIS: Last night at the bar, some jerk saw my tattoo and decided to talk to me about military spending. I let him have it.

NATE: So you can’t handle it when people talk to you about the military.

CHRIS: You’d be pissed off, too! What, am I supposed to just sit there and take it?

The problem with this paraphrase is that Nate sounds like he’s criticizing Chris, and that turns the conversation into an argument.

EFFECTIVE:

CHRIS: Last night at the bar, some jerk saw my tattoo and decided to talk to me about military spending. I let him have it.

NATE: It’s hard to keep your cool when people talk to you about the military. You feel like you need to set them straight.

CHRIS: Well, yeah! It just burns me up, hearing them talk about things they don’t know anything about.

NATE: You want to educate them.

CHRIS: Honestly, it’s probably less about educating them than just getting them to shut up. I want some peace at the bar, not to be reminded all the time about the war.

In this example, Nate’s paraphrase got Chris thinking about what he really meant. When he clarified himself, it kept the conversation moving forward.

Sympathy vs. Validation

Sympathizing means saying you’re sorry for someone or offering pity, while validation means showing you understand the person’s concerns and recognize them as valid.

SYMPATHY (INEFFECTIVE):

• “That sucks.”
• “I feel for you.”
• “Wow, sorry to hear it.”

VALIDATION (EFFECTIVE):

• “This isn’t an easy transition to make. It makes sense that you’re stressed.”
• “Working two jobs isn’t easy. Anyone would have trouble with that.”
• “I used to struggle with the same thing, and it was tough” or “I struggle with that, too.”

While sympathy is about how you feel (how you feel sorry for the other person), validation is about the other person (normalizing what they are going through).

Furthermore, because sympathy echoes the person’s negative feelings, it can fuel a sense of hopelessness or anger. If you really want to make the person feel better and focus on problem-solving, validation is more effective.

Agreeing, Disagreeing, and Agreeing With A Twist

What do you do when a person’s problems seem to be rooted in their own unhealthy attitudes or beliefs? Consider this example:

ALICIA: Terry burned through our savings, and now he wants me to drop out of school and get a job. But it’s his mistake; why should I help fix it?

Alicia is refusing to compromise with her husband. If you say you agree with her, you reinforce her negative attitude. If you say you disagree, she’ll argue with you. Neither option seems productive.

AGREEING OR DISAGREEING (INEFFECTIVE):

NATE: You’re right. If he screwed up your finances, he should be working his butt off to fix them.

ALICIA: That’s what I’m saying! I don’t know what his problem is.

NATE: Maybe he’s right and you just need to take one for the team.

ALICIA: Look, I’m doing what’s best for my family in the long run. Don’t you see that?

But there’s a middle ground between agreeing and disagreeing called agreeing with a twist. Start by agreeing (this can also be validating statement), and then offer a “twist” on what the person said, offering a different perspective on what they’ve told you.

AGREEING WITH A TWIST (EFFECTIVE):

NATE: It sounds like he may have made some bad decisions while you were gone, and now he’s trying to figure out how to get things back on track.

ALICIA: I mean… that’s one way to look at it. Maybe I’m being a little unfair to him. I’m just tired of him treating me like the bad guy for wanting an education.

The bold part is the “twist,” where Nate is offering a different interpretation of Alicia’s words. This combines the best of both worlds: it avoids an argument, while still challenging her unhelpful attitude and moving the conversation forward.

Making a Referral

Sometimes a person’s situation may fall outside your area of expertise or may be too much for you and your buddy to handle on your own. In this case, the best thing to do is share information about other resources that can help. For example, if you know a person with health problems, you might suggest healthcare options.

There are effective and ineffective ways to make a referral.

INEFFECTIVE:

• Give advice too soon, before fully understanding the situation or building rapport. For example, if your buddy mentions she’s feeling anxious and you immediately tell her to see a therapist, she’s likely to get defensive.
• Pressure the person to use the resource. Unless they are in immediate danger, it’s best to keep things low-pressure to avoid provoking resistance.
• Exaggerate the benefits or minimize the risks of using the resource. If the resource you’re referring to is worthwhile, you don’t need to exaggerate about it.
• Your buddy deserves to make an informed decision based on the facts.
• Focus on the negative consequences of not using the resource, or tell “horror stories.”

EFFECTIVE:

• Give a personal recommendation, if possible—for example, talking about a resource you or a friend have tried.
• Offer to go with the person. This can be reassuring, and it makes it more likely they will follow through with the referral.
• Explain exactly how the resource can help.
• Normalize the process of getting help. Sometimes people’s beliefs or attitudes can stop them from seeking help; for example, some people think seeking help is an admission of weakness, or they feel like they are the only person struggling with their particular problem. Helping them work through these feelings makes it much more likely that they’ll follow through with the referral.
• Focus on the positive consequences of overcoming their challenge.
• Brainstorm multiple options and let the person decide what sounds best.
• Unless you think the person is in immediate danger, keep the conversation low-pressure. The more control they have over deciding and planning, the more likely they are to try the resource and keep using the resource.